Bloodstream

Thursday, August 17, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I speak in song lyrics and love quotes
I'm socially awkward and rather impatient
Waiting in long lines is something not-so good for me.
Don't even think about walking slow in front of me. 
I will rage and walk around.
I rant about everything
From how someone is telling me what to do
To social issues and social change.
Somehow you like that about me.
I'm rather impatient most of the time
And plan everything out to the T
It fits within my OCD
I don't really like people
Nor do I like politics. 
But that is acceptable to you
And I have let you in. 
Checking, 1...2...3...times again and again.
I opened my fragile self to you.
I don't feel the need to always do something to gain my greatest satisfaction 
Because you are my greatest satisfaction
My greatest notification
My humble 140 characters
My 600 x 600 pixel image post.
You are like a song I can not get out.
You know, that favorite song you sing to yourself day in and say out
Even in shower. 
Because you can't help it.
You have and are handling the worst of me
My mental craziness 
Where I'm down one day and excited the next
This is all before getting all of me.
You take care of my mental
And match me psychologically 
You are here
And you there
Not just somewhere
But with me
Even when I'm half sleep
You are there when I could go Insane
And freak the hell out.
Now I don't have to check the door as often
Where I'm second guessing everything. 
And paranoia sets in
I'm more comfortable 
But still fragile and susceptible 
You are now lodged into my bloodstream. 

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Viewing Me Face Value

Monday, August 14, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I'm not perfect and I'm not strong on the surface. Why there is such joy of hurting me
And then make utter excuses that it is was my fault to begin with. Why the hell it always had to be my fault. Why can't I be loved with all my faults? I have plenty. For example, my OCD. I challenge it. Rearranging things asymmetrically but then going back to fix it again and again. How about my constant overthinking. The same things repeat in my head over and over. Sleep, move over. That probably won't happen tonight. How about the last one. You said you understand me, that you "got" me. I thought you were the one. I thought you were the one. I thought you were....the one. Support was what I needed and I got none. I must be some damn jackpot. A prize to be won. Then another comes along. Challenging ever thought I have. Asking all sorts of questions in my brain. Rambling and rambling. I almost closed the door and you stuck your foot there telling me to "open the damn door". Is this real? Is this happening to me? You see me face value. This inferiority complex. I'm scared out of my mind and my heart racing trying to understand it all at once. But damn, you came to challenge my heartbreak and make it disappear. I have problems with being happy but you make me smile to the point it hurts. The loneliness doesn't kill me anymore because you step in and take control. I stand on my own two feet but break apart at the seams. Yet you call me beautiful and say you are happy I exist. I want to be under the stars where nothing matters and for a split second, I'm calm. I'm calm where I'm not overthinking too much. And that is when I am with you. You are like that one bright star in the sky. 

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The Old Love I No Longer Can Hold, The New I Can Learn to Love

Thursday, August 10, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I returned my heart right where you left me
And the engagement ring you gave. 
It's little a bitter, sour taste but so bittersweet. 
However, I can't hold on to it and without words I left it there along with the air I once breathed of you.
Believe it or not, I had to withstand the emotional burden of not being enough
Like a piercing knife through the artery. 
With all honesty, you left my heart battered and bruised 
Squeezing the life it once had and the motivation it once thrived.
I didn't want to be your princess or your queen. I just wanted to be your equal. 
No crown needed.
I have gotten over the emotion pain that lingers from what used to be us.
Most of the time, these things happen 
Like the first menstrual. You never know when it will begin or when it will end but it happens.
Then something does happens.
Someone unexpected and to actually put forth the mental effort 
To call me beautiful when I feel down 
To ease my OCD issues and anxiety
See, what you did is broke me down and send me back
Like traveling back in time to when I was 3 years old
In which I do not have much memory
Except crying and nap time
I cried so hard I went to sleep
And when I awaken, I cried some more.
Now he came along somehow
Or maybe he's been there this whole time.
I don't know.
He takes me to the places you could not
He travels a little over 100 miles to see me.
That's devotion to where he mends what was left of my heart. 
Where the heart meets the fragile soul
And strengthen it with a needle and thread. 
See, I can't explain to you what I'm feeling
Where you couldn't accept, he accepts all
And I mean my crazily impatient, overthinking flaws.
So don't come back to me saying you actually still love me because I do not believe you. 
You miss what used to be us and it is too late. 
I have already forgiven you from the beginning. 
Maybe you will let go one day because I already have for my sake and for someone else to come and take its place.

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The Moment

Monday, June 26, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I have shut everyone out since I left
Since everything. I close the door on everyone. Maybe except a few people
You, possible
I am not sure because I know of you
We work, we live, we breathe 
Maybe you understand.
Maybe you don't.
That day, that day, that day.
Though means nothing 
Means actually something
Because I opened up to someone
Maybe I was already completely open
Fragile and already broke
But holding on by a mere thread.
I'm a awkward  and everyone seems to leave
Goes away and disappear
Somehow, you actually talk to me
Surprising because you would run too just like everyone else
Through the hurt and pain
You came over
Outside of the normal routine. 
Even through what we went through separately. 
I somehow found something in you to like
Maybe it was already there. 
And when we kissed
And when we kissed
I felt fear, pain, and heartbreak. 
Maybe it eased out individual pain a little. 
However your lips are like a sweet taste of wine. 
Though exaggerated and being embarrassed
For that moment, I didn't have to think much.
Think about the pain that had been caused to me by others.
The heartbreak
The way I'm overlooked by everyone
The outcast
But it was that moment
The moment I enjoyed. 

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Cresent Moon

Saturday, June 24, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I've always been know to keep it in
Kept it to myself
Knowing no one will listen or bother to hear me. 
My heart is so fragile it breaks at every emotion I feel. 
However, I don't need saving
I've been doing it all on my own from the beginning 
Even with the world on my shoulders
I've kept it together and ultimately have no choice. 
I don't utter emotional feelings anymore
It falls upon deaf ears
I write it down on paper so I don't have the words circling endlessly in my mind.
My mind is stronger than my heart sometimes as if I'm a shell. 
But somehow there is that bright crescent moon. 
I can't reach it but I do see it
In that one instance my smile doesn't seem so fake
But it is ever so shy
I actually see you though the corner of my eye. 
But I remain quiet 
It's not much but it gets me through
Ultimately, you have been hurt just as such
So I will feel selfish to utter anything too much. 
I'm nervous most of the time so I keep it to myself and I hide like a scared little girl afraid of the dark. 
However, with everything, I embrace the dark and walk alone trying to make it to something familiar.
Not missing a step but not stepping on any cracks.
Diverting to something else, a distraction as you will. 
I will admire from afar
A crescent moon attached to my name
And go about as if it is nothing. 

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Hopeless Romantic

Sunday, June 11, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

Do I deserve the world? Treated like the planets orbiting around me. It doesn't seem to be. A galaxy myself, uncharted and sacred. Why can I be treated as such? I don't deserve to be pulled aside and feel like I don't matter. However, someone always seems to utilize my emotions and affections I have for them when they feel it is convenient on their part. I continue to come second when I have done nothing but shower him with raw emotion. Can I have the love that I have been giving and not second guess?

I have opened up and allowed myself to be vulnerable in a world that ridicules those who love too much and too hard. I guess the world doesn't need people like me. I guess I can wait forever for someone appreciates me and not take me for granted. I'm a hopeless romantic looking for my guiding light.

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Autobiographical Scars

Sunday, June 11, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

Some facts about me. I am way of age and right handed. Though I look like I am not. I love my middle name name but others misspell my first name. I enjoy the taste of chester cheese but still do not have a drivers license. For as long as I can remember, I was in to my fathers baked Mac & Cheese and great anime. 

I believe there are only two kinds of people in this world, those who admit they are nerds  and liars. I am my religious. My faith in God never existed however, I think heaven is not something we die to get in to. 

I went to an prestigious HBCU, which means I am black and know profitable ways to have have things shipped in three days or less but I don't know the names of the ones who deliver the mail everyday. 

I am a daughter of a man who never misses a home cooked meal or skips house house chores. My name is like a powerful secret that people will get to know. I am 5 foot 9, and a half on a normal day. But being built like a tall story is a lesson to find other ways to be the dominant one in the room.

I thought I knew what it is like to be a woman and for a little thought another man could tell me. But I've heard stories of women like pistols towards men and use their bodies as tools but I was raised to be a good girl. Yet I have hands bruised with callouses and tears and I am still learning to unlearn society's womanhood. 

I am reminded that a woman of a good heart is like a gun with the safety left on while other women are still searching for their womanhood inside genitalia and materials. Women who remote control their partners because they are probably not strong enough to let things go and carry an addiction of materialism in our blood.

As a kid, I didn't care for such things but still wanted to feel like I had something in the world I can own. I know the most beautiful thing about love is that it cannot be controlled or owned. There are some days I am this 12 year old girl who still enjoys a simple fantasy novel. I don't watch TV as much anymore. I am still a cartoon kid at heart so if you ask me "what's up doc?" I can tell you "I'm hunting..." who. I've been fortunate to never break a one in my body but had my heart broken more times and I don't know which is painful to heal.

I have the heart the size of this Earth but never truly found self love until it was given and taken away from me. The feeling of loneliness is trying to devour me inside out. I am the silent one like a tree falling in a forest because there is nothing autobiographical than a pure scar. I see the remains of the barcodes carved into my sensitive skin barely able to get out of bed. I am black and woman which means, I am a sharp, blunt object that threatens to slit the throats of silence that bleeds emotions. However, I know all of this and still trying to hold onto this thing called happiness. It is down to a science but sometimes I have less confidence than California weather. I am learning everyday to be almost human.

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Spoken Word: What's Wrong with Me?

Friday, June 09, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

What is wrong with me? 
Why do I like another so much?
It's like I'm drowning in my own feelings. 
Wondering when the hell am I going to come back down.
What am I doing wrong? 
Why do I crave this need of being loved? 
It's like a big boss battle that is impossible to win and leaves me broken
But I keep coming back in hopes I win. 
I was left so vulnerable that I'm in need of a skin graft to be put back together. 
Like a severe 4th degree burn plaguing my entire body trying to breathe and utter the words of "love"
I don't need the attention though. 
Just for someone to be there. 
To be around
I'm holding myself together
While I do things I normally don't do
With scotch tape and string and Bobby pin
I play around in a department store and no one is looking
I will never fall in love again because it's too painful and frightening 
but I continue to fall to pieces.
But I like you. 
But I'm attracted to you; your personality. 
I adore you. 
I always have but kept it to myself.
I'm fond and content with you for some weird reason I don't even freaking understand 
What is this universe trying to tell me?
Maybe I'm meant to be all alone. 
The man I still love doesn't even want me
Those who do like me only want to have sex and sugarcoat the meaning of admiration and temporaries.
Then there is you. The one who seems to be in sync with my every emotion.
Who has been broken more times than I could imagine
But I feel it.
I understand it
Like a shattered broke glass cutting the veins of what I knew to be happiness.

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Untitled

Thursday, June 08, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I almost over slept. 
Now I'm almost rushing 
I have little less than an hour to get ready
I didn't even wake up to train. 
It's unlike me but not out the ordinary
I've been thinking more and more lately
Somewhat scared as I get older
Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I'm not
It takes a hell of a lot to just be alright. 
Does anyone understand
Because so many think it's all in my head. 
It's all in my head? 
Another fabrication am I right? 
I'm supposed to believe that? 
That I'm just getting over being with another

Why am I fond of another
It feels selfish and wrong
He's hurting just as such
And I just want to text to make sure he's alright
Rather than being concerned with my own misery 
I can pretend and smile
Keeps me from falling
Failing to comply with what I know and what I own. 
I always feel like I'm doing something wrong.
Maybe I am but I'm learning not to care so much
Not to crumple so much
Cry silently as I live with my own thoughts. 
Or possibly the unknown. 

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I Can't Explain It

Sunday, June 04, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I awake every morning
Wishing to be kind-of normal. 
Am I the only one?
Probably not
To the rest of the world
I appear normal
I'm a mysterious combo that will confuse the human mind. 
With OCD and a bit of a germaphobic
I continuously have to be moving
I got to keep busy
Keep myself occupied 
Or that feeling will set in
The feeling I have to explain to others
Why I barely can not get out of bed
Why I randomly begin crying and don't know why but in actuality I do know why
I know a hell of lot 
I just can't explain it
I can't explain the way I feel or why I feel 
It is complicated
It is simple 
Only when it's deciphered    
If the right one can decipher it
No one has been able to
Or at least handle the emotional factors
Of how I feel from day to day
I get sad and I get upset
Sometimes a bit a silent rage
Trying to explain that is like hitting a rock
No one gets it
It can't be prayed away
By a spiritual being
It can't be wished away
Like a magical being
This isn't magic
It's life
It's my gifted mind trying to make sense of my generous heart
And surely those motivational quotes 
Don't do it for me
They are all over Facebook and Instagram
I want something relatable not something that relates to everyone else.
Don't treat me like I'm normal
But don't treat me like an outcast.
Don't make me last
Because I rather be first
Possibly first in someone's mind
Then there's the feeling of nervousness 
It doesn't get easier more or less
It just happens
When I'm around people
Or if someone of interest comes along
It can feel like my heart is coming out my chest
Or just drop down to my stomach
I can't explain it.

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Something About You; Unraveling

Saturday, June 03, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

This is the first time I'm allowed to feel
Feel the emotional pain.
Though I sometimes think about you
I am still thinking about him
What we were
How we used to be
It hurts more than I can possibility imagine
But somehow you were around one time so I don't feel it.
So I don't feel broken.
Or a least not remember it
I want to forget
Forget how I am in love
In love with someone who doesn't even love me back
Sometimes I just want to break apart and crack
I'm just not allowed to
I can't let go nor open up
So much repressed feelings
So much repressed emotion
I can't stop to think am I even worth it at all?
I don't know where to go from here. 
But I have to remain cold as ice
But there is something about you
I can't explain it
Which has been hard to do lately.
I'm actually unraveling at the seems
But there's no one to put me back together. 

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Hope Is What Kept Me

Friday, June 02, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I don't have the strength anymore. 
I have to fake like I'm all together. 
Being myself constitutes to you not loving me. 
So much was said.
So much hurtful things. 
How could you ultimately be my friend and say such things.
I'm told it will be okay
But how can it be
Hope is what kept me going
However, I don't think I can anymore
I don't think I can believe in that thing called love anymore.
I can admire anyone in the world
But to be complacent in love
It just doesn't exists anymore 

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Untitled

Thursday, June 01, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I keep thinking that everything will be okay.
But it is just another one of those psychological lies.
What is love I wonder? 
Why do I continue to crave it?
Why can't I hold myself up anymore? 
There are those days.
Those days where I fake the whole day
Then others where I complete fall apart and no one is there to keep me together. 
It's hard to be okay.
Though I'm tired all the time. 
Even when I'm not tired. 
I shake, I shiver but that all goes away. 
I can snap out it, when I don't overthink
I'm almost a shell but I'm still in love.
It's been too long where that was reciprocated. 
I pretend like it's all okay. 
What do I know. 
No one cares or so I am actually told.

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I'm Just Human

Friday, March 31, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I'm not beautiful.
I'm not sexy.
I'm not cute not pretty.
I'm just human.
With multiple flaws and very high expectations.
Nothing too series just don't lie to me.
Been through a world wind of emotional pain.
I'm invisible to want society perceives woman.
I am just human.

Destined to be alone and no one to call my own.
It can not all be my fault.
However, I'm not open enough
I will never be good enough.
I can look it up
Ask for help but I can not change my character.
Too many want me to change.
I just want to be loved.
There are days I want to be held.
Something I want to be alone
Day I talk and days I don't
Other times I don't want to be at home.
That is not wrong.
That makes me human.

I'm unlike any other and will sacrifice another.
No one sees it that way.
So much pressure, so much to say.
I am supposed to conform to what others have to say.
Live up to everyone's expectations.
I just want to be me.
I must be wrong and possible destined to be alone.
I'm only me.
I'm just human.

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Suffering In Silence

Wednesday, February 01, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I haven't worn my engagement ring since then.
Since we broke up a year and a half ago.
My emotions have been spiraling out of control.
It is because I still love you and never stopped.
There was no room for anyone else.
I may not want to be a mother.
But it is more important to care for one another.
You say you care about me.
I can tell through our random love making sessions.
However, at the end you call me home slice.
Like I'm not worth it to be a woman.
Like I am some benefit.
Getting engaged and getting married
I love seeing those things.
But what about me.
When will someone enjoy being around me.
Without being judgemental.
I don't need a man, however.
I am fine being alone.
Yet, it does get to me at time.
Because I am unable to share anything special and exciting to someone.
I just suffer in silence.

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