Cresent Moon

I've always been know to keep it in
Kept it to myself
Knowing no one will listen or bother to hear me. 
My heart is so fragile it breaks at every emotion I feel. 
However, I don't need saving
I've been doing it all on my own from the beginning 
Even with the world on my shoulders
I've kept it together and ultimately have no choice. 
I don't utter emotional feelings anymore
It falls upon deaf ears
I write it down on paper so I don't have the words circling endlessly in my mind.
My mind is stronger than my heart sometimes as if I'm a shell. 
But somehow there is that bright crescent moon. 
I can't reach it but I do see it
In that one instance my smile doesn't seem so fake
But it is ever so shy
I actually see you though the corner of my eye. 
But I remain quiet 
It's not much but it gets me through
Ultimately, you have been hurt just as such
So I will feel selfish to utter anything too much. 
I'm nervous most of the time so I keep it to myself and I hide like a scared little girl afraid of the dark. 
However, with everything, I embrace the dark and walk alone trying to make it to something familiar.
Not missing a step but not stepping on any cracks.
Diverting to something else, a distraction as you will. 
I will admire from afar
A crescent moon attached to my name
And go about as if it is nothing. 

Hopeless Romantic

Do I deserve the world? Treated like the planets orbiting around me. It doesn't seem to be. A galaxy myself, uncharted and sacred. Why can I be treated as such? I don't deserve to be pulled aside and feel like I don't matter. However, someone always seems to utilize my emotions and affections I have for them when they feel it is convenient on their part. I continue to come second when I have done nothing but shower him with raw emotion. Can I have the love that I have been giving and not second guess?

I have opened up and allowed myself to be vulnerable in a world that ridicules those who love too much and too hard. I guess the world doesn't need people like me. I guess I can wait forever for someone appreciates me and not take me for granted. I'm a hopeless romantic looking for my guiding light.

Autobiographical Scars

Some facts about me. I am way of age and right handed. Though I look like I am not. I love my middle name name but others misspell my first name. I enjoy the taste of chester cheese but still do not have a drivers license. For as long as I can remember, I was in to my fathers baked Mac & Cheese and great anime. 

I believe there are only two kinds of people in this world, those who admit they are nerds  and liars. I am my religious. My faith in God never existed however, I think heaven is not something we die to get in to. 

I went to an prestigious HBCU, which means I am black and know profitable ways to have have things shipped in three days or less but I don't know the names of the ones who deliver the mail everyday. 

I am a daughter of a man who never misses a home cooked meal or skips house house chores. My name is like a powerful secret that people will get to know. I am 5 foot 9, and a half on a normal day. But being built like a tall story is a lesson to find other ways to be the dominant one in the room.

I thought I knew what it is like to be a woman and for a little thought another man could tell me. But I've heard stories of women like pistols towards men and use their bodies as tools but I was raised to be a good girl. Yet I have hands bruised with callouses and tears and I am still learning to unlearn society's womanhood. 

I am reminded that a woman of a good heart is like a gun with the safety left on while other women are still searching for their womanhood inside genitalia and materials. Women who remote control their partners because they are probably not strong enough to let things go and carry an addiction of materialism in our blood.

As a kid, I didn't care for such things but still wanted to feel like I had something in the world I can own. I know the most beautiful thing about love is that it cannot be controlled or owned. There are some days I am this 12 year old girl who still enjoys a simple fantasy novel. I don't watch TV as much anymore. I am still a cartoon kid at heart so if you ask me "what's up doc?" I can tell you "I'm hunting..." who. I've been fortunate to never break a one in my body but had my heart broken more times and I don't know which is painful to heal.

I have the heart the size of this Earth but never truly found self love until it was given and taken away from me. The feeling of loneliness is trying to devour me inside out. I am the silent one like a tree falling in a forest because there is nothing autobiographical than a pure scar. I see the remains of the barcodes carved into my sensitive skin barely able to get out of bed. I am black and woman which means, I am a sharp, blunt object that threatens to slit the throats of silence that bleeds emotions. However, I know all of this and still trying to hold onto this thing called happiness. It is down to a science but sometimes I have less confidence than California weather. I am learning everyday to be almost human.

Spoken Word: What's Wrong with Me?

What is wrong with me? 
Why do I like another so much?
It's like I'm drowning in my own feelings. 
Wondering when the hell am I going to come back down.
What am I doing wrong? 
Why do I crave this need of being loved? 
It's like a big boss battle that is impossible to win and leaves me broken
But I keep coming back in hopes I win. 
I was left so vulnerable that I'm in need of a skin graft to be put back together. 
Like a severe 4th degree burn plaguing my entire body trying to breathe and utter the words of "love"
I don't need the attention though. 
Just for someone to be there. 
To be around
I'm holding myself together
While I do things I normally don't do
With scotch tape and string and Bobby pin
I play around in a department store and no one is looking
I will never fall in love again because it's too painful and frightening 
but I continue to fall to pieces.
But I like you. 
But I'm attracted to you; your personality. 
I adore you. 
I always have but kept it to myself.
I'm fond and content with you for some weird reason I don't even freaking understand 
What is this universe trying to tell me?
Maybe I'm meant to be all alone. 
The man I still love doesn't even want me
Those who do like me only want to have sex and sugarcoat the meaning of admiration and temporaries.
Then there is you. The one who seems to be in sync with my every emotion.
Who has been broken more times than I could imagine
But I feel it.
I understand it
Like a shattered broke glass cutting the veins of what I knew to be happiness.