Suffering In Silence

I haven't worn my engagement ring since then.
Since we broke up a year and a half ago.
My emotions have been spiraling out of control.
It is because I still love you and never stopped.
There was no room for anyone else.
I may not want to be a mother.
But it is more important to care for one another.
You say you care about me.
I can tell through our random love making sessions.
However, at the end you call me home slice.
Like I'm not worth it to be a woman.
Like I am some benefit.
Getting engaged and getting married
I love seeing those things.
But what about me.
When will someone enjoy being around me.
Without being judgemental.
I don't need a man, however.
I am fine being alone.
Yet, it does get to me at time.
Because I am unable to share anything special and exciting to someone.
I just suffer in silence.

Saying How I Feel

I want to rant but no one will hear me.
I want to scream and shout but no one will listen
I want to rant and say how I feel, but in not allowed
I'm not allowed to feel stressed or upset
I have no one who will actually listen and not judge
To tell me everything will be ok
To just be loved
I'm
Not struggling to live
I'm struggling to find space
I feel closed it and unaccomplished
I'm feel so limited even as we live free
As I get older, my space gets smaller
So I would have any space 
Just a room alone
I want the happiness all around me
The accomplishments all around me.
I'm happy for me them, but what about me. 
I don't want anyone's happiness
Just my own and someone by my side. 


Hushed

For a while now, my heart has been tearing apart
Eating away at my soul, waiting to scream for help.
The heavy weight on my shoulders
Pushes me on a downward spiral to hell as I enter loneliness
But I keep a straight face
But it dawned on me
I can't feel anymore
I'm holding my breath waiting to be
To be a part of something neat
But I end up crying deep inside
No one can hear me, but can see my face
I want to speak, but I don't know how.
I am told so many things
No one really wants to hear
But it is said
To the point I don't even know my next plan. 
Time was all I needed and lots of it
I'm not given too much time
I always feel pressured and rushed. 
But it doesn't matter, because I am usually hushed.
Hushed by several words said 

I Am Not The Woman for You

If you are going to call or text me just to have a good time, bored, or lonely. I am not the woman for you.

If you want to see me because you have no one else to talk to or to kill time. Please do not waste my time. I am not the woman for you.

If you cannot handle me being straightforward. Then I am not the woman for you.

If you expect me to settle or be too understanding. I am not the woman for you.

If you truly expect me to wait for you, deal with your constant indecisiveness, or laziness. It is a waste of time and I am not the woman for you.

If you cannot accept my reasoning for not wanting children in my future. I will not put you through that if you want children someday. I am not the woman for you.

If you cannot be patient with me and my flaws, but expect to be with me or change me. Then, I am not the woman for you.

If all you want is fun and casual.  That is something I am not in to. I am not the woman for you.

If you are confused or hesitant. I am not the woman for you,

If you cannot accept that I am part of a nerd culture that enjoys watching anime, going to anime/comic conventions, spending money on Cosplay, and nerd out from time to time. I am not the woman for you.

If you are talking to me, or just want to be around me to eventually have sex with me. First off, that will not happen and secondly, I am not the woman for you.

I am a woman who knows what I want in life and always have. I want someone who knows what he wants out of life, understands that I have my flaws and understands that I am myself and no one else. Someone who understands that I’ve been hurt before and I won’t let myself go through the same heartbreak twice. Someone who knows that even though I can be with anyone, I chose him. Someone who will fight for me as I do for them and accept me for everything that I am no matter what.

If you want someone to stay with you when you don’t appreciate her. I’m not the woman for you.