Unable To Communicate

For a while now, my heart has been tearing apart
Eating away at my soul, waiting to scream for help.
The heavy weight on my shoulders
Pushes me on a downward spiral to hell as I enter loneliness
But I keep a straight face
But it dawned on me
I can't feel anymore
I'm holding my breath waiting to be
To be a apart of something neat
But I end up crying deep inside
No one can hear me, but can see my face
I want to speak, but I don't know how.
I am told so many things
No one really wants to hear
But it is said
To the point I don't even know my next plan. 
Time was all I needed and lots of it
I'm not given too much time
I always feel pressured and rushed. 
But it doesn't matter, because I am usually hushed.
Hushed by several words said 

I Am Not The Woman for You

If you are going to call or text me just to have a good time, bored, or lonely. I am not the woman for you.

If you want to see me because you have no one else to talk to or to kill time. Please do not waste my time. I am not the woman for you.

If you cannot handle me being straightforward. Then I am not the woman for you.

If you expect me to settle or be too understanding. I am not the woman for you.

If you truly expect me to wait for you, deal with your constant indecisiveness, or laziness. It is a waste of time and I am not the woman for you.

If you cannot accept my reasoning for not wanting children in my future. I will not put you through that if you want children someday. I am not the woman for you.

If you cannot be patient with me and my flaws, but expect to be with me or change me. Then, I am not the woman for you.

If all you want is fun and casual.  That is something I am not in to. I am not the woman for you.

If you are confused or hesitant. I am not the woman for you,

If you cannot accept that I am part of a nerd culture that enjoys watching anime, going to anime/comic conventions, spending money on Cosplay, and nerd out from time to time. I am not the woman for you.

If you are talking to me, or just want to be around me to eventually have sex with me. First off, that will not happen and secondly, I am not the woman for you.

I am a woman who knows what I want in life and always have. I want someone who knows what he wants out of life, understands that I have my flaws and understands that I am myself and no one else. Someone who understands that I’ve been hurt before and I won’t let myself go through the same heartbreak twice. Someone who knows that even though I can be with anyone, I chose him. Someone who will fight for me as I do for them and accept me for everything that I am no matter what.

If you want someone to stay with you when you don’t appreciate her. I’m not the woman for you.

My Truth, My Daydreams

Do you want to know the truth.
Sometimes, I hate my life.
Don't we all right?
I know I shouldn't.
But it is the truth.
I try not to complain.
Or even voice my opinion.
Sometimes, it is way too difficult to open up to anyone.
I wanted to cut myself.
Told myself that I wanted to die.
Then I think of my dad.
Truly my only supporter.
Don't get me wrong, I have hope somewhere.
It is just lost in a pool of loneliness..
Don't ask me if I am ok.
Because the answer will be "I'm fine" everytime.
You can't sugarcoat it with a pill and psychology.
Sometimes a person just want someone to believe in them
People doubt me everyday
They think they do no wrong.
They think I'm a "princess"
Sorry, I am far from royal.
I think I am a failure.
I even moved across the US for love.
Then to be blamed for every issue.
Sometimes, it isn't always just me.
So I keep to myself.
I have so many hopes and dreams
I just see them in my daydreams and not my reality.

Struggling War With Myself and I

So many nights all alone
Struggling between what I want and what I need.
I try to keep strong and not cry.
I am begging, pleading, and crying for help.
I am in war with myself.
The person that I am
And the person everyone thinks I should be.
I make the same mistakes time and time again
So many things I have endured.
I feel like my life is not mine anymore.
I have been a fighter to the core.
Fight to just have a life of my own.
No one that believes in me
Just saying things people think I need to hear.