My Truth, My Daydreams

Do you want to know the truth.
Sometimes, I hate my life.
Don't we all right?
I know I shouldn't.
But it is the truth.
I try not to complain.
Or even voice my opinion.
Sometimes, it is way too difficult to open up to anyone.
I wanted to cut myself.
Told myself that I wanted to die.
Then I think of my dad.
Truly my only supporter.
Don't get me wrong, I have hope somewhere.
It is just lost in a pool of loneliness..
Don't ask me if I am ok.
Because the answer will be "I'm fine" everytime.
You can't sugarcoat it with a pill and psychology.
Sometimes a person just want someone to believe in them
People doubt me everyday
They think they do no wrong.
They think I'm a "princess"
Sorry, I am far from royal.
I think I am a failure.
I even moved across the US for love.
Then to be blamed for every issue.
Sometimes, it isn't always just me.
So I keep to myself.
I have so many hopes and dreams
I just see them in my daydreams and not my reality.

Struggling War With Myself and I

So many nights all alone
Struggling between what I want and what I need.
I try to keep strong and not cry.
I am begging, pleading, and crying for help.
I am in war with myself.
The person that I am
And the person everyone thinks I should be.
I make the same mistakes time and time again
So many things I have endured.
I feel like my life is not mine anymore.
I have been a fighter to the core.
Fight to just have a life of my own.
No one that believes in me
Just saying things people think I need to hear.

What They Call Perfection, Is Really Not

They call it perfection
Trying to strive and live up to others expectations.
Magazines showing size 0.
Thinking we're bigger than we really are.
Why is body image so important?
It makes a person feel small.
Thin figures and thigh gaps.
That's perfection?
It is like taking a pair of scissors to invisible fat.
Shaving away the imperfections.
Cannot look in the mirror without changing.
Changing the hair and face multiple times to find perfection.
Picking out problem areas.
Cutting them from the body.
Perfection is nonexistent.
From the hip bones, to the collarbone.
Nothing is perfect.
The magazines are photoshopped and airbrushed.
That is what society looks up to.

The Other Side of Me

It is funny how it all came crashing down.
I got you talking to me again.
I have almost self destructed before.
But you saved me from it.
You held my hand.
Guided me through.
Calling me beautiful.
Feeling so magical.
We are both fragile.
Easily broken.
Not yet mended.
Where we used to getting hurt
But we ended up causing each other pain.
You are my whole world.
But I cannot put my determination on hold.
We are both selfish.
We just do not want to feel like we failed.
Loving you is sacred.
I won't stop doing so.
You may have
But you will realize that
I am not the blame.
You have something to do with that too.

Love Behind A Closed Door

I just cannot stop loving you.
It did not take that long for you to.
It has not been long.
And already you are done.
I am screaming.
Yelling
Shouting.
And crying.
Does anyone hear me?
It is heartbreaking.
You are not a bad person.
I would never intentionally do you wrong.
You said how much I did you wrong.
I could have.
But you did things too.
The problem is
I never threw it in anyone's face.
It is not a big deal to me.
You say we were not compatible.
But it is not about that all the time.
It is about love
About trust.
About compassion.
And Being together.
Compromise
You could not compromise with me.
You are too worried about the money.
You say i did not love you like you love me.
There is something you have not realized.
I love you more than life itself.
You worshipped me.
I did not want that.
I am not God.
I just wanted to be accepted.
I changed for others whom wanted me to.
Because it was right.
But I am never happy.

Why Try To Change My Identity?

I've now lost all my motivation.
I love only one person.
But I am the screw up.
I am hurt.
I am torn.
Love is not for me.
It is exhausting and tiring.
I am not accepted.
I will never get over it.
I cannot change anything that I am.
I never lied.
If I am quiet.
I'm looked at as stuck up.
If I speak.
I am looked at as rude.
I lost faith.
I am unworthy.
I am trying to believe.
But I am just lonely.
I do know I gave 110%.
But I know doing that
I will never have love.
Everyday I lay awake.
Everyday I pray and wait.
I am wondering if I am doing it right.
If I am missing something.
If I am not accepted for me and my flaws.
Then I do not have an identity anymore.
Damaged cannot express the words I am feeling.
In love and helpless describes it much better.
Now I can cry.
And possibly self-destruct
I had something to believe in
Not anymore.

Tell Me Why?

To be loved is what I ever wanted.
To be heard is another story.
I've been this way my entire life.
Every time I just feel unworthy.
I won't stop loving you.
It is not possible.
Now I am viewed as a horrible person.
All I wanted to do is fix it.
Why can't we fix it all?
Personally, there is no one else.
Why do you think so highly of me?
All I want is happiness.
You made it my delight.
But it is all me.
The way I love.
I thought I was doing it right finally.
Everything won't be alright.
I made you hurt.
I made you cry.
Just being myself.
I can't be right.

A Silent Heart Still In Love

My eyes hurts

I Am Only Human, Who Happens To Be Black

Black women are supposed to be strong.
Full of bravery.
Words that are rooted in racism and slavery.
It seems empowering.
However, it is dehumanizing.
You expect me to be strong.
Never frail or vulnerable.
You forget that I am human.
I am not indestructible.
I am fragile.
With a beating heart on the inside.
I harbor deep feelings.
And can put up an emotional fight.
Do not tell me I am a strong black woman.
Or that I should be.
I am only human.
I am organic.
Strength is in my blood.
And I am strong by genetics and creation.
However, I am stressed.
The breakouts and my heart beating out of my chest.
Look at me, I am not superwoman.
I am asked to do everything.
Draining me dry.
But no support or faith in me of my dreams and what I desire.
But somehow I have to be strong.
Because I am a black woman.
I carry the world on my shoulders.
And always try to be selfless.
While tears flow from my eyes.
I feel like I am weighed down by big boulders.
This is what a strong black woman implies?
I take care of everyone around me.
When I cannot, I am questioned and scolded like a child.
I am told what to do and how to do it.
My choices do not seem to matter.
Unless I am serving someone else.
Race is no issue here.
Humanity, I need a break.
I am only human.
Who happens to be a black woman.

No Pain, Just Peace

I do not expect anything in return
I need no validation.
I rather see peace and harmony.
Rather than pain and suffering.

I make sacrifices.
To be selfless.
I don't pass judgement.
I don't want the feeling of being loveless.

I am deathly afraid to be alone.
It has become more of a phobia.
So I rather help those around me.
I surround myself and help.

It is my calling and destiny.
I have known what I wanted all along.
It is those simple things that can make me smile.
Something peaceful and serene.

The Contrast of Dreams and Nightmares

I Love You Regardless

I love you no matter the skin you are in.
I love you whether the world thinks you sin.
I am here for you always.
I will never depart.

I love you regardless of your mental state.
Everyone I have loved, I loved unconditionally.
With you, it is the mind, body, and spirit.

There is no one else.
You could be a million miles away.
I will always find you anyway.

I love you regardless if we have money or not.
We may even fuss or fight.
You might even sleep on the couch.
I love you regardless of the situation we face.

I have known for a while we were made for each other.
Best friends or lovers.
The feeling is still the same.
We can change the world, just you and me.

I love you regardless.
We do not need to go out every time.
We can even have a picnic every night of the week.
I love us and how we are.

There will be days I am unhappy.
Even say things I do not mean.
I am afraid to be alone.
And I love you this deeply.

So when I say "I love you".
I do not do it to appease you.
I say it because I mean it truly.
No matter our situation in life.

Love and Sacrifice; No Procreation

All I wanted was to fall in love.
To be genuinely in love with a man. 
Someone strong enough to keep me sane.
But vulnerable enough to let me in.

I treat my man like a king.
Or, at least, try to.
This is no meaningless fling.
This is true love I am feeling.

Even though he loves me the same.
There's one thing pushing him away.
He wants to have children.
Even though it is with me, I do not desire it.

I am amongst the statistic of 30%
Women who do not want to procreate.
Procreation is not my life purpose.
Our relationship is now damaged by fate.

Somehow that is not a real reason.
There is no pleasing.
I guess it's all over now.
I suppose love is not strong enough to keep us together.

When I love it is sacred.
It is unconditional, full of sacrifices.
At least he can be happy.
However, I may never be.

I am beginning to lose all hope to love.
However, he is the only one I love.
More than words can express.
It just wasn't strong enough to keep us together.

The worst part is I want no one else.
There is no one else like him
Thus, we are still living together.
I just want it to all be ok again.

Happily Ever After

I sit here and barely thinking
I am kind-of day dreaming.
The day I have my happy ending.
Your heart I am always defending.
Living life of love
Something to be proud of.
I want to give the world to you.
I love you..
More than anything.
I will be yours.
You will always be mine.
My protector and best friend.
I picture the day inside my mind.
Our hearts are totally aligned.
Nothing will keep us away.
From our dreams and hopes
We want to succeed.
You are the center of my life.
Soon to be your wife.
I will never go away.
From the choice I have made.
My vow to you.
Stay with me
I will be right here.
Still together as we shall be.
I will never leave.
I am not going nowhere.
Even when forever is gone.
We will be together happily ever after.

Fake Friends; Fake friendship

They do it because they do not know.
Maybe they think they will get something though.
They only talk to me when I am on top.
The only time I hear from people is when in need.
It really don't make any sense.
I guess I am naive in my defense.
Only around me when I am hanging with my friends.
Use me to get closer to them.
For some reason they always get what they want.
And I can't deny, I am actually beautiful.
Especially on the inside.
It's a drug sometimes.
They are junkies, but it doesn't matter though.
Because I have love for me.

Text people just to chill
Random night, no response.
Good weekend come around.
Boredom, asking me what I am doing?
When any other time is me persuing.
Wondering what everyone else is doing.
They are wondering who I am with.
And can I get soemthing for them.
Looking for a hook up.
It is me they look up.
I know, to them, I'm just a free ride.
But I am way too nice sometimes.

Too Nice for Society

I do it because I love it.
Who the heck am I to judge.
It is always easy for someone
To point out others problems.
I do not know though.
People try to use me to get to to others.
I am not better.
I let them do it.
However, I do not want to start trouble.
I do not want to cause pain.
I know that everything is not so plain.
I am way to nice.
I see the good in others.
Sometimes I wonder.
Is anyone deserving of my love.
I am a little older.
I am a little wiser.
But sometimes I just want peace.
In a ever dying society.