The Moment

Monday, June 26, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I have shut everyone out since I left
Since everything. I close the door on everyone. Maybe except a few people
You, possible
I am not sure because I know of you
We work, we live, we breathe 
Maybe you understand.
Maybe you don't.
That day, that day, that day.
Though means nothing 
Means actually something
Because I opened up to someone
Maybe I was already completely open
Fragile and already broke
But holding on by a mere thread.
I'm a awkward  and everyone seems to leave
Goes away and disappear
Somehow, you actually talk to me
Surprising because you would run too just like everyone else
Through the hurt and pain
You came over
Outside of the normal routine. 
Even through what we went through separately. 
I somehow found something in you to like
Maybe it was already there. 
And when we kissed
And when we kissed
I felt fear, pain, and heartbreak. 
Maybe it eased out individual pain a little. 
However your lips are like a sweet taste of wine. 
Though exaggerated and being embarrassed
For that moment, I didn't have to think much.
Think about the pain that had been caused to me by others.
The heartbreak
The way I'm overlooked by everyone
The outcast
But it was that moment
The moment I enjoyed. 

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Cresent Moon

Saturday, June 24, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I've always been know to keep it in
Kept it to myself
Knowing no one will listen or bother to hear me. 
My heart is so fragile it breaks at every emotion I feel. 
However, I don't need saving
I've been doing it all on my own from the beginning 
Even with the world on my shoulders
I've kept it together and ultimately have no choice. 
I don't utter emotional feelings anymore
It falls upon deaf ears
I write it down on paper so I don't have the words circling endlessly in my mind.
My mind is stronger than my heart sometimes as if I'm a shell. 
But somehow there is that bright crescent moon. 
I can't reach it but I do see it
In that one instance my smile doesn't seem so fake
But it is ever so shy
I actually see you though the corner of my eye. 
But I remain quiet 
It's not much but it gets me through
Ultimately, you have been hurt just as such
So I will feel selfish to utter anything too much. 
I'm nervous most of the time so I keep it to myself and I hide like a scared little girl afraid of the dark. 
However, with everything, I embrace the dark and walk alone trying to make it to something familiar.
Not missing a step but not stepping on any cracks.
Diverting to something else, a distraction as you will. 
I will admire from afar
A crescent moon attached to my name
And go about as if it is nothing. 

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Hopeless Romantic

Sunday, June 11, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

Do I deserve the world? Treated like the planets orbiting around me. It doesn't seem to be. A galaxy myself, uncharted and sacred. Why can I be treated as such? I don't deserve to be pulled aside and feel like I don't matter. However, someone always seems to utilize my emotions and affections I have for them when they feel it is convenient on their part. I continue to come second when I have done nothing but shower him with raw emotion. Can I have the love that I have been giving and not second guess?

I have opened up and allowed myself to be vulnerable in a world that ridicules those who love too much and too hard. I guess the world doesn't need people like me. I guess I can wait forever for someone appreciates me and not take me for granted. I'm a hopeless romantic looking for my guiding light.

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Autobiographical Scars

Sunday, June 11, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

Some facts about me. I am way of age and right handed. Though I look like I am not. I love my middle name name but others misspell my first name. I enjoy the taste of chester cheese but still do not have a drivers license. For as long as I can remember, I was in to my fathers baked Mac & Cheese and great anime. 

I believe there are only two kinds of people in this world, those who admit they are nerds  and liars. I am my religious. My faith in God never existed however, I think heaven is not something we die to get in to. 

I went to an prestigious HBCU, which means I am black and know profitable ways to have have things shipped in three days or less but I don't know the names of the ones who deliver the mail everyday. 

I am a daughter of a man who never misses a home cooked meal or skips house house chores. My name is like a powerful secret that people will get to know. I am 5 foot 9, and a half on a normal day. But being built like a tall story is a lesson to find other ways to be the dominant one in the room.

I thought I knew what it is like to be a woman and for a little thought another man could tell me. But I've heard stories of women like pistols towards men and use their bodies as tools but I was raised to be a good girl. Yet I have hands bruised with callouses and tears and I am still learning to unlearn society's womanhood. 

I am reminded that a woman of a good heart is like a gun with the safety left on while other women are still searching for their womanhood inside genitalia and materials. Women who remote control their partners because they are probably not strong enough to let things go and carry an addiction of materialism in our blood.

As a kid, I didn't care for such things but still wanted to feel like I had something in the world I can own. I know the most beautiful thing about love is that it cannot be controlled or owned. There are some days I am this 12 year old girl who still enjoys a simple fantasy novel. I don't watch TV as much anymore. I am still a cartoon kid at heart so if you ask me "what's up doc?" I can tell you "I'm hunting..." who. I've been fortunate to never break a one in my body but had my heart broken more times and I don't know which is painful to heal.

I have the heart the size of this Earth but never truly found self love until it was given and taken away from me. The feeling of loneliness is trying to devour me inside out. I am the silent one like a tree falling in a forest because there is nothing autobiographical than a pure scar. I see the remains of the barcodes carved into my sensitive skin barely able to get out of bed. I am black and woman which means, I am a sharp, blunt object that threatens to slit the throats of silence that bleeds emotions. However, I know all of this and still trying to hold onto this thing called happiness. It is down to a science but sometimes I have less confidence than California weather. I am learning everyday to be almost human.

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Spoken Word: What's Wrong with Me?

Friday, June 09, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

What is wrong with me? 
Why do I like another so much?
It's like I'm drowning in my own feelings. 
Wondering when the hell am I going to come back down.
What am I doing wrong? 
Why do I crave this need of being loved? 
It's like a big boss battle that is impossible to win and leaves me broken
But I keep coming back in hopes I win. 
I was left so vulnerable that I'm in need of a skin graft to be put back together. 
Like a severe 4th degree burn plaguing my entire body trying to breathe and utter the words of "love"
I don't need the attention though. 
Just for someone to be there. 
To be around
I'm holding myself together
While I do things I normally don't do
With scotch tape and string and Bobby pin
I play around in a department store and no one is looking
I will never fall in love again because it's too painful and frightening 
but I continue to fall to pieces.
But I like you. 
But I'm attracted to you; your personality. 
I adore you. 
I always have but kept it to myself.
I'm fond and content with you for some weird reason I don't even freaking understand 
What is this universe trying to tell me?
Maybe I'm meant to be all alone. 
The man I still love doesn't even want me
Those who do like me only want to have sex and sugarcoat the meaning of admiration and temporaries.
Then there is you. The one who seems to be in sync with my every emotion.
Who has been broken more times than I could imagine
But I feel it.
I understand it
Like a shattered broke glass cutting the veins of what I knew to be happiness.

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Untitled

Thursday, June 08, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I almost over slept. 
Now I'm almost rushing 
I have little less than an hour to get ready
I didn't even wake up to train. 
It's unlike me but not out the ordinary
I've been thinking more and more lately
Somewhat scared as I get older
Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I'm not
It takes a hell of a lot to just be alright. 
Does anyone understand
Because so many think it's all in my head. 
It's all in my head? 
Another fabrication am I right? 
I'm supposed to believe that? 
That I'm just getting over being with another

Why am I fond of another
It feels selfish and wrong
He's hurting just as such
And I just want to text to make sure he's alright
Rather than being concerned with my own misery 
I can pretend and smile
Keeps me from falling
Failing to comply with what I know and what I own. 
I always feel like I'm doing something wrong.
Maybe I am but I'm learning not to care so much
Not to crumple so much
Cry silently as I live with my own thoughts. 
Or possibly the unknown. 

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I Can't Explain It

Sunday, June 04, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I awake every morning
Wishing to be kind-of normal. 
Am I the only one?
Probably not
To the rest of the world
I appear normal
I'm a mysterious combo that will confuse the human mind. 
With OCD and a bit of a germaphobic
I continuously have to be moving
I got to keep busy
Keep myself occupied 
Or that feeling will set in
The feeling I have to explain to others
Why I barely can not get out of bed
Why I randomly begin crying and don't know why but in actuality I do know why
I know a hell of lot 
I just can't explain it
I can't explain the way I feel or why I feel 
It is complicated
It is simple 
Only when it's deciphered    
If the right one can decipher it
No one has been able to
Or at least handle the emotional factors
Of how I feel from day to day
I get sad and I get upset
Sometimes a bit a silent rage
Trying to explain that is like hitting a rock
No one gets it
It can't be prayed away
By a spiritual being
It can't be wished away
Like a magical being
This isn't magic
It's life
It's my gifted mind trying to make sense of my generous heart
And surely those motivational quotes 
Don't do it for me
They are all over Facebook and Instagram
I want something relatable not something that relates to everyone else.
Don't treat me like I'm normal
But don't treat me like an outcast.
Don't make me last
Because I rather be first
Possibly first in someone's mind
Then there's the feeling of nervousness 
It doesn't get easier more or less
It just happens
When I'm around people
Or if someone of interest comes along
It can feel like my heart is coming out my chest
Or just drop down to my stomach
I can't explain it.

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Something About You; Unraveling

Saturday, June 03, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

This is the first time I'm allowed to feel
Feel the emotional pain.
Though I sometimes think about you
I am still thinking about him
What we were
How we used to be
It hurts more than I can possibility imagine
But somehow you were around one time so I don't feel it.
So I don't feel broken.
Or a least not remember it
I want to forget
Forget how I am in love
In love with someone who doesn't even love me back
Sometimes I just want to break apart and crack
I'm just not allowed to
I can't let go nor open up
So much repressed feelings
So much repressed emotion
I can't stop to think am I even worth it at all?
I don't know where to go from here. 
But I have to remain cold as ice
But there is something about you
I can't explain it
Which has been hard to do lately.
I'm actually unraveling at the seems
But there's no one to put me back together. 

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Hope Is What Kept Me

Friday, June 02, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I don't have the strength anymore. 
I have to fake like I'm all together. 
Being myself constitutes to you not loving me. 
So much was said.
So much hurtful things. 
How could you ultimately be my friend and say such things.
I'm told it will be okay
But how can it be
Hope is what kept me going
However, I don't think I can anymore
I don't think I can believe in that thing called love anymore.
I can admire anyone in the world
But to be complacent in love
It just doesn't exists anymore 

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Untitled

Thursday, June 01, 2017 Mellyssa A. Diggs 0 Comments

I keep thinking that everything will be okay.
But it is just another one of those psychological lies.
What is love I wonder? 
Why do I continue to crave it?
Why can't I hold myself up anymore? 
There are those days.
Those days where I fake the whole day
Then others where I complete fall apart and no one is there to keep me together. 
It's hard to be okay.
Though I'm tired all the time. 
Even when I'm not tired. 
I shake, I shiver but that all goes away. 
I can snap out it, when I don't overthink
I'm almost a shell but I'm still in love.
It's been too long where that was reciprocated. 
I pretend like it's all okay. 
What do I know. 
No one cares or so I am actually told.

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