I Can't Explain It

Wishing to be kind-of normal. 

Am I the only one?

Probably not

To the rest of the world

I appear normal

I'm a mysterious combo that will confuse the human mind. 

With OCD and a bit of a germaphobic

I continuously have to be moving

I got to keep busy

Keep myself occupied 

Or that feeling will set in

The feeling I have to explain to others

Why I barely can not get out of bed

Why I randomly begin crying and don't know why but in actuality I do know why

I know a hell of lot 

I just can't explain it

I can't explain the way I feel or why I feel 

It is complicated

It is simple 

Only when it's deciphered    

If the right one can decipher it

No one has been able to

Or at least handle the emotional factors

Of how I feel from day to day

I get sad and I get upset

Sometimes a bit a silent rage

Trying to explain that is like hitting a rock

No one gets it

It can't be prayed away

By a spiritual being

It can't be wished away

Like a magical being

This isn't magic

It's life

It's my gifted mind trying to make sense of my generous heart

And surely those motivational quotes 

Don't do it for me

They are all over Facebook and Instagram

I want something relatable not something that relates to everyone else.

Don't treat me like I'm normal

But don't treat me like an outcast.

Don't make me last

Because I rather be first

Possibly first in someone's mind

Then there's the feeling of nervousness 

It doesn't get easier more or less

It just happens

When I'm around people

Or if someone of interest comes along

It can feel like my heart is coming out my chest

Or just drop down to my stomach

I can't explain it.