I speak in song lyrics and love quotes

I'm socially awkward and rather impatient

Waiting in long lines is something not-so good for me.

Don't even think about walking slow in front of me. 

I will rage and walk around.

I rant about everything

From how someone is telling me what to do

To social issues and social change.

Somehow you like that about me.

I'm rather impatient most of the time

And plan everything out to the T

It fits within my OCD

I don't really like people

Nor do I like politics. 

But that is acceptable to you

And I have let you in. 

Checking, 1...2...3...times again and again.

I opened my fragile self to you.

I don't feel the need to always do something to gain my greatest satisfaction 

Because you are my greatest satisfaction

My greatest notification

My humble 140 characters

My 600 x 600 pixel image post.

You are like a song I can not get out.

You know, that favorite song you sing to yourself day in and say out

Even in shower. 

Because you can't help it.

You have and are handling the worst of me

My mental craziness 

Where I'm down one day and excited the next

This is all before getting all of me.

You take care of my mental

And match me psychologically 

You are here

And you there

Not just somewhere

But with me

Even when I'm half sleep

You are there when I could go Insane

And freak the hell out.

Now I don't have to check the door as often

Where I'm second guessing everything. 

And paranoia sets in

I'm more comfortable 

But still fragile and susceptible 

You are now lodged into my bloodstream. 

And then make utter excuses that it is was my fault to begin with. Why the hell it always had to be my fault. Why can't I be loved with all my faults? I have plenty. For example, my OCD. I challenge it. Rearranging things asymmetrically but then going back to fix it again and again. How about my constant overthinking. The same things repeat in my head over and over. Sleep, move over. That probably won't happen tonight. How about the last one. You said you understand me, that you "got" me. I thought you were the one. I thought you were the one. I thought you were....the one. Support was what I needed and I got none. I must be some damn jackpot. A prize to be won. Then another comes along. Challenging ever thought I have. Asking all sorts of questions in my brain. Rambling and rambling. I almost closed the door and you stuck your foot there telling me to "open the damn door". Is this real? Is this happening to me? You see me face value. This inferiority complex. I'm scared out of my mind and my heart racing trying to understand it all at once. But damn, you came to challenge my heartbreak and make it disappear. I have problems with being happy but you make me smile to the point it hurts. The loneliness doesn't kill me anymore because you step in and take control. I stand on my own two feet but break apart at the seams. Yet you call me beautiful and say you are happy I exist. I want to be under the stars where nothing matters and for a split second, I'm calm. I'm calm where I'm not overthinking too much. And that is when I am with you. You are like that one bright star in the sky. 

I returned my heart right where you left me

And the engagement ring you gave. 

It's little a bitter, sour taste but so bittersweet. 

However, I can't hold on to it and without words I left it there along with the air I once breathed of you.

Believe it or not, I had to withstand the emotional burden of not being enough

Like a piercing knife through the artery. 

With all honesty, you left my heart battered and bruised 

Squeezing the life it once had and the motivation it once thrived.

I didn't want to be your princess or your queen. I just wanted to be your equal. 

No crown needed.

I have gotten over the emotion pain that lingers from what used to be us.

Most of the time, these things happen 

Like the first menstrual. You never know when it will begin or when it will end but it happens.

Then something does happens.

Someone unexpected and to actually put forth the mental effort 

To call me beautiful when I feel down 

To ease my OCD issues and anxiety

See, what you did is broke me down and send me back

Like traveling back in time to when I was 3 years old

In which I do not have much memory

Except crying and nap time

I cried so hard I went to sleep

And when I awaken, I cried some more.

Now he came along somehow

Or maybe he's been there this whole time.

I don't know.

He takes me to the places you could not

He travels a little over 100 miles to see me.

That's devotion to where he mends what was left of my heart. 

Where the heart meets the fragile soul

And strengthen it with a needle and thread. 

See, I can't explain to you what I'm feeling

Where you couldn't accept, he accepts all

And I mean my crazily impatient, overthinking flaws.

So don't come back to me saying you actually still love me because I do not believe you. 

You miss what used to be us and it is too late. 

I have already forgiven you from the beginning. 

Maybe you will let go one day because I already have for my sake and for someone else to come and take its place.

I have shut everyone out since I left

Since everything. I close the door on everyone. Maybe except a few people

You, possible

I am not sure because I know of you

We work, we live, we breathe 

Maybe you understand.

Maybe you don't.

That day, that day, that day.

Though means nothing 

Means actually something

Because I opened up to someone

Maybe I was already completely open

Fragile and already broke

But holding on by a mere thread.

I'm a awkward  and everyone seems to leave

Goes away and disappear

Somehow, you actually talk to me

Surprising because you would run too just like everyone else

Through the hurt and pain

You came over

Outside of the normal routine. 

Even through what we went through separately. 

I somehow found something in you to like

Maybe it was already there. 

And when we kissed

And when we kissed

I felt fear, pain, and heartbreak. 

Maybe it eased out individual pain a little. 

However your lips are like a sweet taste of wine. 

Though exaggerated and being embarrassed

For that moment, I didn't have to think much.

Think about the pain that had been caused to me by others.

The heartbreak

The way I'm overlooked by everyone

The outcast

But it was that moment

The moment I enjoyed. 

Kept it to myself

Knowing no one will listen or bother to hear me. 

My heart is so fragile it breaks at every emotion I feel. 

However, I don't need saving

I've been doing it all on my own from the beginning 

Even with the world on my shoulders

I've kept it together and ultimately have no choice. 

I don't utter emotional feelings anymore

It falls upon deaf ears

I write it down on paper so I don't have the words circling endlessly in my mind.

My mind is stronger than my heart sometimes as if I'm a shell. 

But somehow there is that bright crescent moon. 

I can't reach it but I do see it

In that one instance my smile doesn't seem so fake

But it is ever so shy

I actually see you though the corner of my eye. 

But I remain quiet 

It's not much but it gets me through

Ultimately, you have been hurt just as such

So I will feel selfish to utter anything too much. 

I'm nervous most of the time so I keep it to myself and I hide like a scared little girl afraid of the dark. 

However, with everything, I embrace the dark and walk alone trying to make it to something familiar.

Not missing a step but not stepping on any cracks.

Diverting to something else, a distraction as you will. 

I will admire from afar

A crescent moon attached to my name

And go about as if it is nothing. 

I believe there are only two kinds of people in this world, those who admit they are nerds  and liars. I am my religious. My faith in God never existed however, I think heaven is not something we die to get in to. 

I went to an prestigious HBCU, which means I am black and know profitable ways to have have things shipped in three days or less but I don't know the names of the ones who deliver the mail everyday. 

I am a daughter of a man who never misses a home cooked meal or skips house house chores. My name is like a powerful secret that people will get to know. I am 5 foot 9, and a half on a normal day. But being built like a tall story is a lesson to find other ways to be the dominant one in the room.

I thought I knew what it is like to be a woman and for a little thought another man could tell me. But I've heard stories of women like pistols towards men and use their bodies as tools but I was raised to be a good girl. Yet I have hands bruised with callouses and tears and I am still learning to unlearn society's womanhood. 

I am reminded that a woman of a good heart is like a gun with the safety left on while other women are still searching for their womanhood inside genitalia and materials. Women who remote control their partners because they are probably not strong enough to let things go and carry an addiction of materialism in our blood.

As a kid, I didn't care for such things but still wanted to feel like I had something in the world I can own. I know the most beautiful thing about love is that it cannot be controlled or owned. There are some days I am this 12 year old girl who still enjoys a simple fantasy novel. I don't watch TV as much anymore. I am still a cartoon kid at heart so if you ask me "what's up doc?" I can tell you "I'm hunting..." who. I've been fortunate to never break a one in my body but had my heart broken more times and I don't know which is painful to heal.

I have the heart the size of this Earth but never truly found self love until it was given and taken away from me. The feeling of loneliness is trying to devour me inside out. I am the silent one like a tree falling in a forest because there is nothing autobiographical than a pure scar. I see the remains of the barcodes carved into my sensitive skin barely able to get out of bed. I am black and woman which means, I am a sharp, blunt object that threatens to slit the throats of silence that bleeds emotions. However, I know all of this and still trying to hold onto this thing called happiness. It is down to a science but sometimes I have less confidence than California weather. I am learning everyday to be almost human.

Why do I like another so much?

It's like I'm drowning in my own feelings. 

Wondering when the hell am I going to come back down.

What am I doing wrong? 

Why do I crave this need of being loved? 

It's like a big boss battle that is impossible to win and leaves me broken

But I keep coming back in hopes I win. 

I was left so vulnerable that I'm in need of a skin graft to be put back together. 

Like a severe 4th degree burn plaguing my entire body trying to breathe and utter the words of "love"

I don't need the attention though. 

Just for someone to be there. 

To be around

I'm holding myself together

While I do things I normally don't do

With scotch tape and string and Bobby pin

I play around in a department store and no one is looking

I will never fall in love again because it's too painful and frightening 

but I continue to fall to pieces.

But I like you. 

But I'm attracted to you; your personality. 

I adore you. 

I always have but kept it to myself.

I'm fond and content with you for some weird reason I don't even freaking understand 

What is this universe trying to tell me?

Maybe I'm meant to be all alone. 

The man I still love doesn't even want me

Those who do like me only want to have sex and sugarcoat the meaning of admiration and temporaries.

Then there is you. The one who seems to be in sync with my every emotion.

Who has been broken more times than I could imagine

But I feel it.

I understand it

Like a shattered broke glass cutting the veins of what I knew to be happiness.

Now I'm almost rushing 

I have little less than an hour to get ready

I didn't even wake up to train. 

It's unlike me but not out the ordinary

I've been thinking more and more lately

Somewhat scared as I get older

Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I'm not

It takes a hell of a lot to just be alright. 

Does anyone understand

Because so many think it's all in my head. 

It's all in my head? 

Another fabrication am I right? 

I'm supposed to believe that? 

That I'm just getting over being with another

Why am I fond of another

It feels selfish and wrong

He's hurting just as such

And I just want to text to make sure he's alright

Rather than being concerned with my own misery 

I can pretend and smile

Keeps me from falling

Failing to comply with what I know and what I own. 

I always feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Maybe I am but I'm learning not to care so much

Not to crumple so much

Cry silently as I live with my own thoughts. 

Or possibly the unknown. 

Wishing to be kind-of normal. 

Am I the only one?

Probably not

To the rest of the world

I appear normal

I'm a mysterious combo that will confuse the human mind. 

With OCD and a bit of a germaphobic

I continuously have to be moving

I got to keep busy

Keep myself occupied 

Or that feeling will set in

The feeling I have to explain to others

Why I barely can not get out of bed

Why I randomly begin crying and don't know why but in actuality I do know why

I know a hell of lot 

I just can't explain it

I can't explain the way I feel or why I feel 

It is complicated

It is simple 

Only when it's deciphered    

If the right one can decipher it

No one has been able to

Or at least handle the emotional factors

Of how I feel from day to day

I get sad and I get upset

Sometimes a bit a silent rage

Trying to explain that is like hitting a rock

No one gets it

It can't be prayed away

By a spiritual being

It can't be wished away

Like a magical being

This isn't magic

It's life

It's my gifted mind trying to make sense of my generous heart

And surely those motivational quotes 

Don't do it for me

They are all over Facebook and Instagram

I want something relatable not something that relates to everyone else.

Don't treat me like I'm normal

But don't treat me like an outcast.

Don't make me last

Because I rather be first

Possibly first in someone's mind

Then there's the feeling of nervousness 

It doesn't get easier more or less

It just happens

When I'm around people

Or if someone of interest comes along

It can feel like my heart is coming out my chest

Or just drop down to my stomach

I can't explain it.

Feel the emotional pain.

Though I sometimes think about you

I am still thinking about him

What we were

How we used to be

It hurts more than I can possibility imagine

But somehow you were around one time so I don't feel it.

So I don't feel broken.

Or a least not remember it

I want to forget

Forget how I am in love

In love with someone who doesn't even love me back

Sometimes I just want to break apart and crack

I'm just not allowed to

I can't let go nor open up

So much repressed feelings

So much repressed emotion

I can't stop to think am I even worth it at all?

I don't know where to go from here. 

But I have to remain cold as ice

But there is something about you

I can't explain it

Which has been hard to do lately.

I'm actually unraveling at the seems

But there's no one to put me back together. 

I have to fake like I'm all together. 

Being myself constitutes to you not loving me. 

So much was said.

So much hurtful things. 

How could you ultimately be my friend and say such things.

I'm told it will be okay

But how can it be

Hope is what kept me going

However, I don't think I can anymore

I don't think I can believe in that thing called love anymore.

I can admire anyone in the world

But to be complacent in love

It just doesn't exists anymore 

But it is just another one of those psychological lies.

What is love I wonder? 

Why do I continue to crave it?

Why can't I hold myself up anymore? 

There are those days.

Those days where I fake the whole day

Then others where I complete fall apart and no one is there to keep me together. 

It's hard to be okay.

Though I'm tired all the time. 

Even when I'm not tired. 

I shake, I shiver but that all goes away. 

I can snap out it, when I don't overthink

I'm almost a shell but I'm still in love.

It's been too long where that was reciprocated. 

I pretend like it's all okay. 

What do I know. 

No one cares or so I am actually told.