Going Under

I want to call but cannot dial.
I am feeling like autumn.
I need a change.
My own insecurities.
Making me feel like I was not good enough.
I still profess my love.
Confess all my wrongs.
I cannot sleep.
Need a hot shower.
Hoping it washes the pain away.
Sometimes I wonder if I am loosing my mind.
Called out your name.
But you are not there.
Alone with my fears,
Feel my heart.
All wounds in time heal.
But left with scars.
My words do not mean much.
Up all night.
Sometimes.
I cannot rest my mind.
I am so undone and empty.
I am trying.
But I am tired of these semi-sleepless nights.
Feel my heart.
It is not beating right.
Seems like I am going under.

Trapped

A women's heart is a deep ocean of secrets.
Slave ship taking me back in chains towards its deepest.
I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it.
Waking up every morning not knowing what will happen.
The slightest attraction
Where I might possibly wind up.
Thinking I have no way out.
The last thing I need is me looking like a porcelain doll.
I was everything a well brought girl should be
But inside I am screaming.
I see my life as I already live it.
Always the same narrow minded people
Same mindless chatter.
I feel like I am standing in a great precipice
No one to pull me back.
Something I could possibly lack
No one who even cares or even noticed.
It is like being inside a dream
There is truth with no logic
I'm no physic
Don't presume to tell what I will or will not do.
You do not know me.
It is the inertia of my life
Plunging ahead and me powerless to stop it sometimes.
All the while I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room
Screaming at the top of my lungs
And no one even bothers to looks up.
At the end of the day, I just feel trapped.

Shutdown

Left alone.
Nothing but my fears.
I'm lost in my path.
I just want to forget all the bad.
You are the one who took all of myself.
Left me standing there like that.
Tombstone.
Left all alone.
Every bridge I cross.
My heart becomes emotionally soft.
What ever do I do.
I failed again.
How can I live
If you just forget?
Broken wings.
No one cared before.
I don't dare to cry.
It is like Russian Roulette
I pass out.
Emotional shutdown.
Love is like a toy now.
I don't understand why.
See how I have learned?
No more opening up.
My heart torn and corrupt.
Barb wire and chain.
My heart now in vain.
I guess it is a game.
A game I should know all to well.
Taught me their hell.
There is no one to blame.
Where venom can not live.
Where my angers tightly wound.
Emotional shutdown.
The lone-wolf.
With softness and strength.
My heart shell's quite brittle.
No attention needed.
Throw it away.
Lock the key.
The walls no one will break through.

The Heart Now Beautifully Demented

I just take a minimal case of love
But every single time it breaks my heart
Everything I want I never thought I get
But once I have it, disappears
I take my breath
My lasting breath
The last of it I have for you.
Stressing out
Going all out
Wondering why I still care
I cant see
Why this happens to me?
What life has done to me?
I am defending
No pretending.
Putting up these walls
Not of fire and brimstone
But of barbwire and made of ivory bone.
Orchestrated and beautifully demented
Effort is a two way street
Sometimes I let myself pretend to be sleep
Just to forget
Just not to think.
Wont even allow myself to get close.
My feelings means nothing to anyone but me
Truth to be told
Not bitter
Just torn in two
Longing for acceptance
Now it is like, who cares?
But I have been waiting all my life
For it all to reach my body and my mind.
This heart now broken, closed, and beautifully demented
No one can break through.